Something to offend everyone....

[Bimati]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[nfpgasmask]

"Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you."

THAT is funny.

[Chopper]

What do you do when your wife staggers across the back yard? Reload.

[Bulldoggie]

Bush Bumper Stickers:


1/20/09: End of an Error?

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First!

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran!

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!

Hey Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore!

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.

Whose God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief!

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap!

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First!

Dubya, Your Daddy shoulda Pulled Out, Too!

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46!

Pray For Impeachment.

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod.

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled.

At Least Nixon Resigned!
Nixon, no longer the worst President ever!
Impeach and Institutionalize!

[biju]

Bulldoggie: Thanks for that... I loved every one!! hahaha... funny.

-biju.

[k4tmc]

I could retort with some Clinton, Gore, Kerry, etc. similar bumper quotes, but, I think we do not want to bring politics and religion into this forum.

Am I right?

[VXIRONwoMAN]

what is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
when you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.

[WiSDoM]

yeah your right and don't forget the kennedys :)

[JHarris1385]

I guess bulldoggie loves global warming, becuase we all know Al Gore invented that and the internet.

[SRCHN]

Did you hear Michael Jackson died?

He ate some 12 year old nuts.

[Bulldoggie]

I did not author, I only cut and pasted humour that fit the "offend" title.
Please, let's not take others humour personally. If it's not fun, then I will remove it.

[nfpgasmask]

That's good stuff man, reminds me of one I saw the other day, it said:

"AT LEAST THE WAR ON THE MIDDLE CLASS IS GOING WELL"

I want that one...

Bart


Bush Bumper Stickers:


1/20/09: End of an Error?

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First!

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran!

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!

Hey Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore!

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.

Whose God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief!

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap!

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First!

Dubya, Your Daddy shoulda Pulled Out, Too!

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46!

Pray For Impeachment.

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod.

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled.

At Least Nixon Resigned!
Nixon, no longer the worst President ever!
Impeach and Institutionalize!

[ZEUS]

It's fun! Politics are ridiculous, so let's not get overly sensitive. In America, you vote for a corrupt idiot or you vote for a different corrupt idiot. In 2008, we get to choose which sex has the bigger idiot! So relax and post your jokes! I liked this actual bumper sticker: "Pro-war is NOT pro-life!" So simple, so true.

[kpaske]

Hilarious!

I personally find a lot of political humor very funny. No matter which side they're poking at, there is often some real truth in those jokes.

Keep 'em coming!!! ;Db;

[johnnyapollo]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

[nfpgasmask]

A Cowboy walks into a bar, and after a few seconds he realizes that it’s a gay bar.

“What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approached, he says tot he cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?”
The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that, all I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ And that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It really Satisfies.’”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so he bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “’Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a Margarita and says, “So what do you guys call yours?” The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY….’Like a Rock!’” And gives the man a wink.

Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.” The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because its ‘STRONGE ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Stake-Out

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights, and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”