Heard Any Good Jokes Lately??

[BaM*BaM]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He constantly said polite words, played soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example... Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird; the bird yelled back. He shook the bird; it just got angry and even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream --then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not sound for half a minute. David was frightened he might have hurt the bird. He quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's new attitude! He was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "Might I ask what the chicken did?"
:laughb:

[BillAmigo99]

Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: Fw: CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER'S SOUL]


>
>
> > ----------------------------------------------------
> > > > Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I
> > drink I feel ashamed.
> > > > Then I look into the glass and think about the
> > workers in the brewery
> > > > and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
> > drink this beer, they
> > > > might be out of work and their dreams would be
> > shattered. Then I say to
> > > > myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and
> > let their dreams come
> > > > true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> > > > -- Jack Handy


Personal favorite:
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
> > they awake up in the
> > > > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
> > all day.
> > > > -- Frank Sinatra
> > > >
> > > > An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
> > drunk to spend time with
> > > > his fools.
> > > > ---Ernest Hemingway
> > > >
> > > > A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have
> > the decency to thank
> > > > her.
> > > > ---W.C. Fields
> > > >
> > > > When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave
> > up reading.
> > > > ---Henny Youngman
> > > >
> > > > 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
> > Coincidence?
> > > > ---Stephen Wright
> > > >
> > > > When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
> > we fall asleep. When we
> > > > fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit
> > no sin, we go to heaven.
> > > > Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
> > > > --- Brian O'Rourke
> > > >
> > > > Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to
> > be happy.
> > > > ---Benjamin Franklin
> > > >
> > > > Without question, the greatest invention in the
> > history of mankind is
> > > > beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
> > fine invention, but
> > the
> > > > wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
> > > > ---Dave Barry
> > > >
> > > > Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

[Locomigo]

>YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN.
>
>1. You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day.
>
>2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
>
>3. Your sense of direction is; towards the mountains and away from
>the
>mountains.
>
>4. You're a meat eating vegetarian.
>
>5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car.
>
>6. You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the a/c on
>at 55
>degrees.
>
>7. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow
>during a
>raging blizzard without even flinching.
>
>8. You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you
>would
>never go there otherwise.
>
>9. You install security lights on your house and garage but leave
>all
>doors unlocked.
>
>10. You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat
>Tire
>Beer.
>
>11. You carry jumper cables in the car and your girlfriend knows how
>to
>use them.
>
>12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>13 Driving is better in the winter cause the pot holes are filled
>with
>snow.
>
>14. You think that sexy lingerie is tube sox and flannel PJs.
>
>15. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and
>construction.
>
>16. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a team's victory.
>
>17. You think the Governor is John Elway.
>
>18. Your idea of a traffic jam is more that 10 pedestrians on the
>bike
>path.
>
>19. You carry skis in your car, "just in case."
>
>20. You can never figure out why your out of town guests faint from
>altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
>
>21. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your
>friends

[BaM*BaM]

Popemobile

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was
taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a
limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back
of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was
pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his
window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment,
please. I need to call in."
The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the
chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and
I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"
"No. More important."
"The President?"
"No. More important."
"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as
a chauffeur."

[BaM*BaM]

TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed
up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot".
The man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his
pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft
going.
It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath, he came up choking on water. He was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
:jump:

[BillAmigo99]

Came across a link to song lyrics today and died out laughing. Strange when you look back on these songs with a little bit of a dirty mind and some imagination, how they just don't seem quite right, you know?

Subliminal Sesame Street:

Would you like to buy a Ho (http://mightybrown.crosswinds.net/lyrics/kids/buyano.html)


What would you think if you heard your wife singing this from the bathroom? (http://mightybrown.crosswinds.net/lyrics/kids/rubber.html)


No comment. No wonder he didn't go for Miss Piggy (not that there's anything wrong with that..Seinfeld)) (http://mightybrown.crosswinds.net/lyrics/kids/rainbow.html)

[BaM*BaM]

amazing how this works, put in your name and give it a test!

http://www.license.shorturl.com

;eeko;

[BaM*BaM]

farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end
of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's
***?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ***."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[BaM*BaM]

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

[SoilDoc]

I remember my grandfather fiddling to put the oil plug back into his John Deer. He was on his back and it was dark and he couldn't get it in. Further disgusted he looked at me and said, "deleted

My grandfather passed away yesterday at 90. He still makes me laugh!!!

[Moncha]

Originally posted by SoilDoc
My grandfather passed away yesterday at 90. He still makes me laugh!!!

Sorry To hear about your grandfather, My prayers are with you..

[SoilDoc]

My grandfather's joke (deemed inappropriate by the Forum Gods) was deleted by the moderator. I formally apologize to the forum and feel bad for the hint of inappropriateness associated with that turgid prose!

Thanks for your concern Scott.

[Tone]

Sorry SoilDoc - I do sympathize with your loss but the joke was inappropriate for this forum - no big deal. I hate doing this.....General rules are here:
http://www.vehicross.info/forums/misc.php?action=faq&page=8#59

BamBam’s was borderline.

[BaM*BaM]

LONDON (Reuters)



- After a year of painstaking scientific research, the
world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British
Association for the Advancement of Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet
users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of
other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone
and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in
a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes
they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand
preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look
stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our
sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of
serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner
with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the
course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in
prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror
like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He
screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

The survey revealed other fun facts:

-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps
surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and
sticky? A stick."

Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

[BaM*BaM]

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this yesterday (11/18/02) after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.


HU'S ON FIRST by James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?;Db; ;Db;

[TimG]

I just got this today and I found it somewhat amusing. I doubt some of these were said by the people listed, but they are still funny . . . unless you are french. :)

Bon Jour
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of
France!"
-- Jay Leno

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes."
--Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
-- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
-- Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
-- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
-- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
-- Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
-- Regis Philbin

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses, and wears a beret. He is French, people."
-- Conan O'Brien

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
-- David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

[BumbleV-X]

This was emailed to me. I was laughing so much I just had to pass this on to my friends. Thanks go to Chris Rock for the war time chuckle.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock

[Dallas4u]

Both those posts are hilarious! Gotta love Chris Rock and Conan O'Brien!

[TimG]

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed.

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,
spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry
asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm
married'!"

[BumbleV-X]

19 things to do in the bathroom stall

1. Hold your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Dang, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

[Leah]

Have you seen this one yet?

15 Things to Do at Wal-Mart While Your Spouse is Taking His/Her Sweet Time.

1. Pick up condom packages and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares"....and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream 'NO!! It's those voices again!"

And last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud "We're out of toilet paper in here!!!"

[SPAZZ]

haha, lmao!!! number 14 was too funny, I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for that humor.

[BumbleV-X]

I think #1 would be soooo funny. Can't you just see the man trying to explain to his wife... "wasn't me"?
I read this outloud to my son who will probably be in the middle of the next clothes round saying "pick me, pick me".
That was funny.... thanks :)

[Leah]

You're welcome. ;Db; Wish I could take credit for more than just posting it.